When it comes to answering questions in a test or for homework, it would seem there are two possible ways for a kid to approach the situation. On the one hand, you could go and get your wucking mords fuddled – or you could apply some of that preternatural worldly knowledge and/or cynicism.
Either way, the results tend to be entertaining, as Norman McGreevy found out when he compiled a whole bunch of (apparently) real-life answers written by schoolchildren into a book called “Could Do Better”
MY WUCKING MORDS ARE FUDDLED!
* We were trapped in a blazing car, but luckily a river was passing by.
* Big flies were hoovering around the room (cool – saves me doing it…)
* An oboe is an American tramp
* Chivalry is the act of a man who gives up his seat to a lady in a public convenience (say what??)
* A millennium is something like a centennial only it has more legs.
* In Mideval [sic] times most of the people were alliterate
* Henry the eighth had an abbess on his knee, which made walking difficult (well, yes, I suppose it would)
* The two major religions of Ireland are Catholic and Prostitute (I know a lot of men who’d pray to that altar)
* The navy is sometimes called the Senile Service
* Queen Victoria was the longest queen (eh?). She sat on a thorn for 63 years (which would explain why she always looks so miserable in those pictures)
* Intensity of an earthquake is measured on the Bacardi scale (not sure about earthquakes… unsteadiness, yes.)
* The most common form of contraception? “Most people wear a condominium”
* Name the four seasons. “Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar”
KIDS SAY THE WISEST/MOST CYNICAL THINGS
* Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to see the numbers.
* Romeo and Juliet tell each other just how much they are in love in the baloney scene (just so).
* A monologues is conversation between two people such as husband and wife (I’d love to know if that was a boy or a girl…)
* The future [tense] of “I give” is “you take” (logical, yes?)
* ‘etc’: a sign used to make you believe you know more than you do.
* A parable is a heavenly story with no earthly meaning (Ha! Hahahaha!)
* Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do one to others before they do one to you. (“You lookin’ at me?”)
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it and that’s the important thing.
* Jesus cured Peter’s mother-in-law when she was sick of a fever, and Peter swore and went out an wept bitterly (so close, and yet so far, eh?)
* China has always followed confusion as a religion (so’s most of the world, I’d say)
* Algebraical symbols are those used when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel (well, it is if you find yourself on X Factor…)
Included in the book – and the newspaper article I read this lot in – was this line.
“Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.”
Bearing in mind that this book is about children messing up, I would just like to point out at this point that the child was in fact correct. Far from being unable to compose music, good ol’ Ludwig gamely battled on to produce more classical gems. Read the Wiki article HERE for more details.
